I love conversations where I learn things. Well it goes back to my love of learning….I feel so empowered and enlightened when I learn something new. I guess this is part of the reason why I am on the spiritual path…always trying to figure out stuff and learn more stuff to become better at stuff. Stuff….its what’s in all of us.
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who is still reeling from the effects of a breakup that they clearly did not want to happen. This person (for the sake of anonymity let’s call them Susan) had a rough marriage and came out of it and jumped into a rebound relationship and then left that to float around in the dating scene (heart closed and intact) before finally getting into an emotionally rewarding relationship with a spiritually aware person.
Feeling safe, Susan allowed her guard to drop and allow this person into their life. It was wonderful…in fact she will probably tell you she lived more in that one year of relationship than she ever had in her life. It was exhilarating and exciting and she became so consumed with the person and the relationship that she started to neglect other areas in her life, including her kids, her work and herself.
We all know how this ends because at some point in our life, we have all been here. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and even though my friend Susan took a chance and risked lowering her barriers for love…it unfortunately did not work out for her. The person she was seeing was more spiritually mature than her and knew they were in her life for a lesson…to teach her things, to spend time but eventually to move on and continue on their path.
My friend is heartbroken and months after the breakup, they still are mourning the loss of the relationship and the loss of love.
I listen to my friend go over and over in her head all the things she felt the relationship brought….always adding more importance and specialness to it than it really was. She would begin to lie to herself that this person was more and brought more than they really did. How do I know she is lying? Because the story changes.every.time. First when we would talk, she would talk of their intimate moments being so…well so beyond life. But then as the months passed and time healed most wounds, my friend would come clean and mention here and there that sexually they were not as compatible and there were issues in the bedroom. I listened but said nothing.
Susan would point out how much of a soul mate this person was for her and how they had so much similarity and interest in the same things but then as time passed, Susan would remember how she could not be herself (wild and crazy) around her friends when she was with her partner because her partner was more reserved in behavior in social events. I listened and said nothing.
See the thing is, Susan couldn’t accept a fact that many people today still struggle with. It is something common I hear at the end of a relationship when I see the broken hearted struggle to make sense of it all and struggle to apply importance to what just happened.
What we can’t accept or what we have a problem accepting is this….We opened our heart and allowed someone in and it didn’t end happily ever after.
There lies the grief and the shame….the betrayal and the hurt. We loved and we lost.
It goes against everything we are taught, doesn’t it? I mean most movies these days have happy endings. We are told if we take a chance, it pays off. So we do….clutching our pearls and descending the tunnel with nothing more but a wish, a hope and a prayer. For some of us it works out (congratulations by the way!) but for most of us, we are left bewildered and wondering “WHY ME?”
Susan is at a place in her life where she met someone AMAZING but this chick is closing this person out! She is giving them a hard time, overthinking it and constantly comparing him to her past partners. We can thank Susan for her trials and tribulations because its her sorrow and distress that brought on this blog post. So enough of Susan for now. Let me explain and expound on this for those that may find themselves in this situation. You know me…I never met a bullet point I didn’t like, so here we go…..
1) We need to stay away from happy endings (trust me, I get to use this line more as a massage therapist than ever!)
The truth is, many of us are not content to be in situations where our needs (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) are not met. It is not enough. Happy endings only come if you stop pushing. Will you ever stop pushing? Absolutely! When you meet the one person or situation where your needs are met, you will absolutely stop; however, you can’t sell yourself short and stop short. You have to keep going.
If Susan had been honest with herself and her mate from the beginning about what she liked, what she didn’t like and what she wanted…the relationship would have ended earlier. The truth of Susan’s situation is they are not matched. They are not equally yoked so someone was always at a disadvantage. In addressing the differences, communication could have ended the relationship in a peaceful, quicker way and the pain Susan was feeling now would have been more manageable.
2) We cannot shut down after we opened up
That is the norm I see in people these days, after they experience a breakup they shut down and go in and refuse to let someone else in. That’s so not fair! There are a billion people in the world and a few of them have the combination to that lock on your heart! Those few people want to open up your safe and put more love in…but yet you think all everyone wants is to take and take more and to take it all. This mindset is not positive and serving your highest good in anyway.
I agree with mourning, hell I am the best mourner when things/relationships end in my life! But at some point you have to open your windows, look out at the world with hope in your heart and promise yourself you will try again. This life is meant to be lived and fortunately loving is living. Experiencing love is such a tender moment in life….it makes us feel alive and at home at the same time. Why would you want to avoid that feeling?
Shutting down after you experienced love is saying game over. Its allowing one person to hurt you and close you off to love. It is equivalent to making a cake. To make a cake, you need several ingredients, prep time and bake time. Three steps! Loving one person and shutting down after that is like assembling all the ingredients and leaving them on the counter. You have no idea how good that cake is going to taste because you never completed the steps needed to get that taste.
If you can allow yourself to keep your heart open, trust and be vulnerable after a breakup…you are continuing on with making your cake. Yes you may be sad and it may not feel authentic but trust me when I say, you will be so glad you persevered on to the end result. The cake is delicious and hits the spot.
3) Do not use honesty as a crutch for bad behavior
Ok you are reading this article and getting some good vibes from it. You feel like maybe you can step out and step up your game. You can try love again. So you go out, meet people, mix and mingle and find someone you are interested in. You are excited but scared. Excited because this person looks good and feels good to you but scared because they excite you so much, if they were to walk away, it might cripple you worse than your previous relationship.
So what do you do? You start putting up your honesty stickers. You know what those are! They are LOUD warning labels wrapped all around you meant to educate and inform your future partner, but all it does is annoy and keep them at a distance. Love is not measured out in a measuring cup…it flows freely from the container and someone who is healthy, loving and ready for a relationship will not respond kindly to this metted out kind of love.
While I agree with being honest and explaining where you are in your process (“I just got out of a relationship, I am not ready to commit”) your actions MUST follow your words. Your words may say you are not ready, but you calling and seeing the person frequently…sleeping with them and being intimate with them….that destroys the integrity of the words.
I find with people like Susan…using the honesty stickers allow them a playground for bad behavior. Susan recently started seeing someone new and she is experiencing feelings for this person. However Susan will not give of herself fully to this new person because deep down she craves her ex…she craves what she knows not what is new. She is a creature of patterns and old paradigms.
I explained to my friend Susan this was wrong what she was doing…because in a theoretical sense, what if her ex called her back? Its not hard to imagine, people do it all the time. What if her ex called her back and they went to dinner to “talk” because as Susan says, she needs closure. What if the old feelings came back and Susan wanted to take it to another level? What would she do? She would say to this new person in her life, “I am sorry to involve you in my mess but I did tell you from the beginning that I was blah blah blah.”
Honesty is not an excuse for bad behavior. You treat people well and you do what is right despite your own selfish desires. In the grand scheme of things, how exactly will someone like Susan be rewarded if she indulged in activity like that? Lead someone new on while still wishing to be with her ex? Would it end happily or will she get a dose of her own medicine? Maybe have her ex chose someone else over her?
I don’t know. I really don’t, these are all theoretical questions and we tend to go down this path when we are confused and mixed up about our emotions. My only advice for you dear reader , is to always do the right thing, act with integrity and treat people kindly. Don’t be selfish about your emotions and your feelings and somehow, the world rewards you for your selflessness. I can say that clearly because I have experienced it and trust me, the reward comes back bigger and better than you could have imagined.
So yes the lemons of life remind us that sour is also a taste. There are six tastes and undoubtedly sour is not one of the most favorite ones…..but guess what? There are times you crave it. Too much sweet makes you sick….too much salt makes you thirsty…sometimes all we need in life is a little sour to zap our taste buds, revive our tongue and get that saliva flowing. It is all part of this world and it is a wonderful feeling when we can appreciate what is dished out to us instead of running from it.
To my friend Susan who may or may not read this….I love you, you will always be my friend and I understand what you are going through but I don’t want you to shut down or shut me out. Let me teach you how to appreciate the sourness of life so when the sweet times roll through….we can enjoy it more than we ever knew how to.
Love and light,